Dear
Jitty,
Please tell me, when will I meet the love of my life? The one
who adores me and is sexy and smart and handsome like Graf Milieu. Men always
tell me I'm too complicated and dump me.
Should I give up or believe in
love?
Your fan from Germany,
Tanja
Dear Tanja,
A man who doesn't appreciate a complex woman is a
man who needs his butt kicked. When a man says that, what he's really saying is:
"Hey, I'm lazy. You've got a lot going on, and I don't think I can be number one
in your life every moment of every day. Because I'm lazy, I won't work to be
first. You have to give that to me because I a guy and you're a female and you
need me to be complete."
Guys who say that kind of foolishness need to be
kicked to the curb.
You want a man who is equal to you? Start lookin'
for men who work in animal rescue organizations or some other caring field.
These men already understand that they don't have to come first all the time.
They're able to put living creatures ahead of their own egos and needs. Girl,
stop datin' boys and look for some men.
My Coker, he liked that I was complicated. It kept
our marriage hoppin' with lots of passion. There are good men out there, you're
just lookin' in the wrong places.
Dear Jitty,
How did ladies keep their stockings up before
garter belts were invented?
- Wanda R. Williams
Dear Wanda Williams,
Lord, girl, I didn't wear stockings back when I was a
mortal! It was bad enough to wear those long skirts. Now poor Miss Alice, she had to wear those damn corsets, petticoats,
and stockings when it was cold. But I did a little checkin' around in the Great
Beyond and learned a few things about stockings, which have been around for
nearly four hundred years.
Before the invention of the garter belt, or feminine
suspenders as they're sometimes called, women used a garter to keep stockings
up. Keep in mind that most skirts seldom rose higher than the ankle, so
thigh-high stockings weren't a necessity. 'Specially down here in the South, we
preferred to keep our lower limbs bare as much as possible, due to the
heat.
Nylons came about in the late 1930s. Oh-la-la. That's when
the sex factor heated up. Garter belts and fitted stockings. Panty hose sort of
took the fashion out of stockings, but I hear tell from Cece that garter belts
are makin' a comeback. And a good thing. If Sarah Booth could get herself dolled
up a little, she might get me an heir to Dahlia House.
Dear Jitty,
How do I get a ghost to talk to me ?
I have one wandering around over here...pretty lady...seems like a kind
gentle soul, but she is painfully shy.
Thanks,
Sandy
PS...YOU ROCK, and you are always welcome here.
Dear Sandy,
Of course you realize I'm a "superior
being" even in the realm of the Great Beyond. Due to my advanced condition, I
speak human lingo. My buds over here on the other side sometimes have difficulty
getting the verbiage down right. It takes a lot of energy to manifest, and some
just don't have the juice to appear AND talk.
If you think this pretty lady you see has something to
share, look for symbols, sensations, the whisper of a touch. Ask her questions.
She's in that place for a reason, or she's come there for you. Be honored. And
most of all don't act like that silly Carolyn Haines and go runnin' into the
house and lockin' all the doors. Like we can't just float through a door no
matter how many locks she's slidin' around. Lord, the first time I visted her
she 'bout wet her pants.
Maybe do some research on your new home. Some of us hang
around because we love a place, or a person. Others have a secret that must be
told before we can rest easy. If you play your cards right, you might get
yourself a short story out of it.
Yours in the Great Beyond,
Jitty
Dear Jitty,
This is about what to do with a
mother that I love, but do not know what to do with. She is the queen of the
pity party, she even resorts to telling lies to her kids to get their pity and
concern. She will go to any length to get me to feel sorry for her, she has
wrecked a marriage for me.
That thrilled her actually. She is a major
control freak, she tries to control all her kids and grandkids. Three of my
siblings run from her, and that leaves ME to deal with her. She is my mother,
and you're supposed to be good to your mother.
I am. Each time I try to stand up to her again, she rips me to
shreds-again.
I don't think anything is beneath this woman, she is
capable of anything.
I can't just trade her in now, I think I'm stuck with
her! Is there a way to be a good daughter and stop her from ruining my life?
And she will not listen to anyone, as she's always right. And she keeps telling
all of us that she's about to die. She is NOT. Diva, that's what she
is.
Darn mean diva at that! Should I just move to
Norway???????
Disturbed
Della
Dear Della,
Sounds to me like you got good reason
to be disturbed. Your mama is the proverbial "iron fist in the velvet glove."
She acts all soft and weak, but she can lower the boom like nobody's business.
You know I got a serious weakness for mamas, and so does Sarah Booth. So it's
hard for me to say to stand up for yourself and not let your mama mess around in
your life. But I think I got to say it. You don't have to be mean or ugly, just
be firm. You can be a good daughter without allowing anyone to manipulate you.
If your mama is lyin', tell her you know the truth and don't get caught
up in her drama. Remember, you can't control her action, but you can control
your reaction. It may not be the relationship you want with your mama, but it
may be the healthiest one you can hope for. If you change, she'll have to
change--that's a law of nature, by the way. Once she realizes you aren't gonna
buy into her manipulations, she'll realize she has to stop that
mess.
Good luck, Della, and if this doesn't work, Norway is a beautiful
country.
Dear Jitty,
What do you do with an EX
sister-in-law that you have always liked when you have a sister who is an old
nag who can't stand you being friends with your sister-in-law? I try to get the
ex -in-law in the same room with my sister, forget that. The sis-in-law is
willing to give it a try, the real sister wants to go for her throat. Now get
this, the sister can't come up with ONE reason why she hates the ex sis,
nothing! Cause there is no reason would be why! Sister just hates everyone! I
guess I'll just have to keep them miles apart, that what jitty would
do?
Thanking you !
Susy
Dear Susy,
There's two ways to go through life--as
in includer or an excluder. Seems to me your sister is the latter. You like your
ex-sister-in-law, so I say enjoy her company. Your sister doesn't have to be
friends, but she shouldn't criticize you. My question is--what does your brother
have to say about this? It would seem if anyone would object, it would be him.
But Jitty says, if the ex is a friend whose company you enjoy, you should
continue the friendship.
Dear Jitty,
Mature single woman here, no men
to speak of in my area, so I have turned to the web to meet men for a dinner
date, or a movie. I don't want the world, or money, or Brad Pitt. All I want is
a nice fellow who is not a weirdo, or a freak of nature. Is this way too much to
ask for and expect??? These men, some have one tooth, but they still think they
deserve a movie star to go out with!
Should I just give up and get a
cat???????
Bertha
Dear Bertha,
I've just fielded three questions about socially retarded
husbands. Maybe a cat is the better option. I'm writin' a book based on my
experience as a columnist. It's called MEN--THE SPECIES WHO WOULDN'T EVOLVE AND
WHY THEY ARE MARCHING TOWARD EXTINCTION. Times they are a'changin'. Women can
earn a good livin' and have found fulfillment and fun with friends. My answer to
you is go out with your gal friends and office friends. Build a social life of
your own. Attend parties and meet new people. Once you're out doin' your own
thing, you'll forget you aren't attached to a man's arm. You don't have to have
a date to have fun. Back in the day, Miss Alice and I, working together and
laughing together, had our share of fun. There weren't no men to be had after
the war, but we built many good memories in friendship. I never regretted a
moment of that time.
Dear Jitty,
My husband stays up half the night reading, with the light on of
course. I have a hard time sleeping with the light on. What do you suggest?
Dear Separate Bedrooms,
Enough said. Separate bedrooms are actually quite civilized. Makes "date
night" more fun in a tired old marriage. Or else buy you a herbal sleep mask
that blocks the light and offers soothing herbal scents for good dreams.
Dear Jitty,
What do you do with a husband that spits toothpaste all over the
faucet and mirror every time he brushes his teeth?
Dear Gross,
That is just plain gross. Your husband needs to go to bootcamp for Men with
Horrible Hygiene. I'll bet his mama wiped his bottom 'til he went to the first
grade. She never made him grow up, and I just don't know if it's possible for
you to make a change in him. The problem here is women who raise their sons to
be louts and raise their daughters to be housemaids. There's no reason under the
sun a man can't brush his teeth without spraying the mirror and faucet. And if
there's an accident, then there's no reason this said man can't get a paper
towel and spray cleaner and wipe it all away. This is a lazy, lazy man. Can you
change him? I don't know. But if you find a way to do it, please write back so
all my readers can benefit from your wisdom.
Dear Jitty,
What do you do with a husband that won't put his dirty clothes in
the hamper? I've even lifted the lid on the hamper so all he had to do was drop
the clothes in. He shut the lid and still dropped his clothes on the floor
beside it. What to do?????
Dear Stinky Man-Clothes,
This one is downright easy. Take those clothes out to the front yard.
Drench 'em down good with some lighter fluid and just toss a match. Then call
that lazy man to come out and see what you've done. Marriage is a partnership.
You are not his maid. If he can't put his clothes in the hamper to help you,
then burn 'em.
Dear Jitty,
What do you do about someone bringing an uninvited guest to a get together with a group of friends, without asking first? The uninvited guest makes everyone uncomfortable to the point where we all just sit around without saying much. She's not a part of our group so we're not comfortable talking about things we normally talk about. This has happened the last two times we got together. HELP!!!!!!
Dear Put Upon,
There's nothing to be done here but a direct confrontation. Call your friend and set up a face-to-face. Tell her the truth--that her inclusion of additional people at gatherin's makes everyone feel constrained. Tell her you'd be happy to meet some of her outside friends at gatherin's that she organizes, but that introducin' an unknown person--without warning or invitation--has got to stop. Think of Tinkie. What would she do if Sarah Booth showed up with some stray at The Club. It is a direct violation of the Daddy's Girl Rule 492--Never bring your own guest to someone else's event unless you seek approval of the hostess. Even askin' to include an additional person can prove awkward, because some events require a carefully balanced guest list. (Think about Cece, Sarah Booth, Tinkie and Millie having lunch at the cafe'. To include another person, no matter how nice, would just ruin the whole conversation. They couldn't whine about Oscar and Graf or give the true shinny on Coleman. They'd have to be po-lite! And how borin' would that be?) So grit up and have the talk with the offending person. Just be honest. Any reasonable person will understand.
Dear Jitty,
I have a friend that likes to plunder through my things when she comes over. She'll flip through mail on the counter or look through drawers in the bathroom, etc. I feel like I need to hide everything before she comes over. What can I do about this?
Dear Plundered Drawers,
My first thought was a rat trap buried under the lingerie. If that spring
snapped shut on grubby little pryin' fingers, I think that bad habit would stop.
Seriously, this person is not a friend. There's a bond of trust between
friends--and plunderin' through another person's private business is not what a
friend does. Have you considered that she may be a minion of some federal spy
agency? And my next question is: What are you doin' that the federal government
might want to know who's sendin' you letters? Have a talk with this friend and
tell her that you find it offensive. If she's a true friend, she'll stop. If she
gets mad and ends the relationship, you haven't lost much.
Dear Jitty,
When I go out to eat with a certain friend, she won't order much, but then she takes her fork and starts eating off of my plate. I don't like this at all. What do you suggest I do?
Lord, honeychile, this is a two-year-old masqueradin' as your friend. When that fork sneaks over to snatch your food, just slap the piss out of the hand holdin' the fork and say, "No! No!" That's the way Miss Alice and I raised the young-uns. Your friend has never had boundaries set for her, so as her friend, you can help socialize her. I can just imagine what would happen if she did that to Tinkie. Lord, she would be left off all the guest lists for the rest of her life. So take the bull by the horns and teach your friend some manners.
Dear Jitty,
What do you do about people that just drop in without calling first?
Dear Too Nice,
Back in the days of civil strife, it wasn't uncommon for folks to stop by Dahlia House. Some needed food and water, others would bring a fine bunch of turnips or some 'taters that maraudin' soldiers missed. Folks helped each other and shared, and a good thing or we'd all have died. There were no phones, no text messages, no e-mail. Because of the isolation, we were happy to see our neighbors and fellow survivors--whether hungry or bringin' food. Times have changed. Drop-by guests are rude. Even well-intentioned folks who bear gifts. There are several actions open to you, but before you do anythin', think about this--it is a compliment that folks gravitate to your kitchen table. While highly flatterin', it can also interfere with your schedule. So the best action is to talk to the offenders and explain that while you love the surprise visits, you need to organize your time. Call it a New Year's resolution. Ask them to call ahead first and make sure you have the time to spare for a visit. If that fails to work, lock the door and don't open it. This is aggravatin', because it makes you a prisoner in your own home. But try it and see if the offenders get the hint. If these tactics fail, these people are no friends. They are users and I say shuttle them right out of your life.
Dear Jitty,
I have trouble getting along with my brother and his wife. She seems to resent me somewhat and he mostly acts like I don't matter. I am older than he and I am a widow with no kids, so I'm alone a lot. How can I get a better relationship with him? Thanks.
Holly Price
Dear Holly,
I've seen this dynamic again and again. The wife is insecure, and she can't abide the idea that you and your brother will have a good relationship. Just think how awful it must be to be her. Since you can't tie her up and stick her in the basement, I see only two options--work at befriendin' her, or find a new social circle and plan holidays and travel with friends. You know I lost my man when I was young, and we never had kids, but I had the strongest friendship with Miss Alice. That bond of friendship is stronger than blood, so make it a point to search out other folks who enjoy the things you like. Cards, movies, games, walks--life is meant to be lived (take it from someone who's dead!) so make friends and do some livin' . Once you start havin' fun, you'll be surprised at how little you miss these two.
As to your brother, can you say s-p-o-i-l-e-d. Or maybe hen-pecked. Honey, just find some folks who are more fun to spend time with.
Dear Jitty,
My spoiled baby brother won't give me a straight answer about whether he will be coming for holiday dinner, and he's supposed to bring the green bean casserole! What can I do?
Confused in Cassadaga
Dear Confused,
Girl, you are missin' a bet here. Jump in your car and drive over to the spiritual center in Cassadaga and get some help from one of the psychics. That's a fabulous place with a link to the Great Beyond. But--if you don't want to do that, I suggest pickin' up the telephone and callin' him. Tell him to say yes or no for the dinner invitation. No more whifflin'. What is it with these baby brothers, oh, snap! I just said it--BABY brothers. They think the world dances to their tune.
If he still refuses to answer, then make your own casserole and don't count on him attendin'. He's too old for you to teach manners to, so accept that he can't see beyond his own desires.
Dear Jitty,
How do you tell someone to shut the hell up, quit complaining and be thankful for the good things in life?
Sincerely,
Wondering in Pensacola, FL
Dear Wondering,
This answer requires some delicate diplomacy, which of course I am an authority on. Most folks would just block the chronic complainers number or run in the opposite direction when the complainer comes down the street, but while that may remove you from the problem, it doesn't help your friend. So take a move from one of my role models, Béla Lugosi. When the complainer starts that ear-drum grinding whine, just hold up your hands and make the sign of the cross. Then scream as loud as you can, "Stop! Stop! Your negative energy is like a stake in my heart!" That will get the complainers rapt attention, and you can explain that you want to bask in white light and good energy--which does not come from complainin'. In case this doesn't work, carry a wooden stake in your handbag, because people who whine all the time are really energy vampires and need to be dispatched!
Dear Jitty,
When my husband is watching TV, he never listens to me and I have to repeat myself several times to get his attention. What do you suggest I do?????
Terri Dunn
Dear Terri,
Are you a Southern woman? Of course you are in your heart no matter where you live. Every good Southern woman knows the answer to this question. You just ask yourself, "What would Elvis do?" He would shoot the damn TV. Just shoot it. I guarantee you, after that your husband will never ignore you again.
Dear Jitty,
Oh wise one, I trust you, I even enjoy you and wish you were around my house....at times.
HELP! I'm thinking hard here now, my husband is thinking of retiring next year, and I know he will lose what little mind he has left. Needless to say, I will be climbing walls myself. I am against murder, being the good Southern girl I was raised to be, but one could consider such vile things in life when pushed to the limit of having a man around that talks to power tools at times. Would you consider coming to live with me for the heck of it? I think between the 2 of us we could get this man to shape up....or pray God go back to work! Thank you for your time, Jitty, I know you are ever so busy!
Kindly wishes to you,
Betty Milton
Dear Betty,
My bones are restin' in the Dahlia House family cemetery (my headstone is the finest!) so there's no chance I can live anywhere else. Once Sarah Booth secures a few of those little swimmers and reproduces, I might retire to the Great Beyond. But barrin' that, I'm rattlin' my chains in Zinnia.But I thank you mighty kindly for such a generous offer of a new home.
Now, to ponder your question. The obvious answer is--You should have married an older man; that way you wouldn't be in this dilemma. He'd be dead and you'd be a rich widow. But you mortals can't undo the past, so we need to make a plan to deal with this. First of all, make him a to-do list. A long one. Once he starts markin' things off the top, you keep addin' to the bottom. Since he has power tools, he must be handy. Make him build himself a man-cave and stay there. Invite him in the big house for a romantic dinner or some of them special moments when dim lights are best. Tempt that man into good behavior! Keep him busy with chores. You two will be just fine.
Dear Mizz Jitty,
Family relations question. In short, my brothers (we are all grown now..or I am anyway!) are jackasses. Yes, I said jackasses. And you're thinking is Sadie a jackass too? No, I am not, and I have good references to that. If I were a jackass, I would know it-that should clear things up for you! Truth be told, if they were not family, I would still not like them, they are simply not the nicest folks around, their kids don't even like them. I keep feeling now as we near the holidays that I should try once again to reach out to them. By the way, they NEVER reach out to me, unless they WANT something. Like money or another pint of blood. If they moved next door to me, I would sell my house-if that tells you anything! I should stop feeling the need to FIX things that can not be fixed, right? What would you do, Mizz Jitty?
Thanking you kindly!
Sadie
Now Sadie,
Hold onto your britches! You know that family is THE most important thing in life. That said, you need to cut those losers loose. I have a friend who tells me that there is always one family member who steals Christmas by actin' like a jackass. Sounds like you got a herd of them. Invite your friends over and forget those brothers. I love me some holidays, but I only haunt people who treat me with respect and love. The same should be said for eatin' holiday meals. Life is short. Spend the time with good friends if you've got bad family.
Dear Jitty:
I am a high school senior who loves writing. My parents think it's a hobby that I will grow out of; they'd like me to major in a "safe" professon like law or medicine. I tell them I'm creative and all I want to do is write. They think it's a longshot like acting' something few people succeed in. They are afraid that if I put my energy there, I won't have a back-up plan. How do I convince my parents that I am serious and win their support? This is making me crazy.
-- Confused in California
Dear Confused,
Once you're dead, you're dead--and there ain't no "do-overs" in the Great Beyond. Seems to me that a lot of young people don't have a dream any more, so you're way ahead of the pack because you know what you want. My advice to you is to pick a school with a writer whose work you admire. (It never ceases to amaze Carolyn that people want her to teach them to write when they haven't read her work--how do they know she can string a subject and verb together if they don't look at her writing?) Start writin' seriously. Not once a week or when you feel like it, but show your parents you're in this for the long haul--that this is your passion.
Take the writin' classes, but also look at a compatible profession like teachin' or advertisin' or public relations where you can get a pay check but still have time and energy to write. A double major is a handy thing to have. Carolyn tells me that only 5 percent of all writers make a livin' writin' down their stories. Only a handful of people hit the big time like John Grisham (a very nice man by the way. If he ever passes over, I'll be on him like a duck on a june bug) or Mr. Stephen King (he scares me with his stories and he ain't even dead!)
You can set yourself up to be self-sufficent and still follow your dream. You'll have to work harder than most people. But if you love something, it's worth all the effort. Folks who have that passion to write pay a big toll--but if you're a writer, it's worth ever' bit of effort. Now go forth and produce a book so I can read it!
Dear Jitty,
I discovered the BONES Series at Thanksgiving at my mother-in-law's house and already on the 3rd book! I love them and you are my favorite! I grew up on a cotton farm in Morgan City (25 miles south of Greenwood) and Onie, the black housekeeper, was my 2nd mom. She died a few years back, and I really miss her. I, too am a Daddy's Girl, and much like Sarah Booth: didn't follow the path of other DG in the area; went to MS State, but graduated from Converse College in SC; married later in life (to an AR man!); taught for 10 years, but love the area and "my roots". The stories bring back such memories for me. I moved away from MS in '77, but moved to Madison, MS in '96.
You may have answered these questions as I get further in the series, but I'm curious:
1. Did you appear to Sarah Booth when she was a child or only when she returned from New York?
2. How did Sarah Booth react the first time she saw you and did she believe right away?
Love,
Mary Jane Kimball
Dear Mary Jane,
1. When Sarah Booth was a child, she had her mama and her Aunt Loulane to keep her straight. She didn't really need me. It was only when she came back from New York all alone that I decided to keep her company.
2. Lord, she likta jumped out of her skin. It was pure dee delicious. But she needed someone to keep her straight, and she knew it.